Become UT’s Most Popular Student!
So it’s the beginning of the semester, and you wanna make it a good one. You want everyone to know your name as you walk by, and to mention you in every other Tweet. You want to be a star on the UT Memes Facebook page, and described by all the professors to their new students. I’ve learned a few tricks over my couple years at the T-O-L, so here’s a list of the 5 best things to do to quickly become UT’s most popular student:
- Drive slowly around the parking lot, and make your presence known. This is best accomplished by playing loud music and causing small earthquakes with your bass. Upon finding a parking spot, make sure to have everyone behind you wait while you pull in and out of it a few times to make sure that you’re parked exactly straight. Everybody will love your dedication to proper parking. If two adjacent spots are available, make sure to take up part of both, so that everyone will know that your car is valuable and shouldn’t be near any other cars. This will dramatically increase your popularity.
2. Wear other school’s logos ironically
- You’re too good for this University and you know it! Take every opportunity to tell your friends and classmates that you’ll be transferring soon, and feel bad for them for staying here. Don’t worry about those proud Rockets- they’re nowhere near your level of enlightenment. Always wear the other team’s colors at our games, that’ll get you all the attention!
3. Never ever wipe off gym equipment
- Spending hours in the Rec Center or in your Res Hall’s workout room and working up a sweat is amateur level material. You wanna be remembered? Leave your sweaty hand prints and washcloths all over the machines. That way, the next user (and the thirty users afterward) know that you were there, and will admire your strength and dedication!
4. Play music loudly in the Carlson Library, especially on the 5th floor.
- How else are you going to show your adoring fan base that you have excellent taste in music? They’re all staring at you, so they clearly want you to turn up your music even louder. And, isn’t the 5th floor called Club Carlson? What’s a club without its own DJ? It’s time to show off your speakers and bring the life back to this graveyard of a library!
5. Anytime anyone points out something you’re doing wrong, answer with “I didn’t know!”
- Your friends will come to your rescue and agree with you when you claim that there aren’t any resources on our campus to help you as a student. When your professor gives you your failing grade, let them know that you’ve never heard of the Learning Enhancement Center (basement of the library, cough cough), or the Writing Enhancement Center (first floor of the library, ahem). When you can’t find a job on campus, complain to everyone that you didn’t know we had a Career Services center in the Student Union. When you can’t find your classes, whine about how there definitely aren’t maps available online on our website, or that simply asking someone isn’t a good idea. Expect everyone else to always take care of you, because you’re the most popular student at UT and you deserve it!